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 It's Time To Wake Up

by Christopher J. Dardzinski

Its time for some random thoughts on “think tanks”, though I believe the politically correct terms is “policy and analysis institutes.”

So lets dive forth into the world of picking apart what I think all these wonderful “think tanks” do, or say they do. This is gonna be fun! Is your popcorn popped? Do you have a big soda next to you?

American Enterprise Institute for public policy research: This is one of dozens of think tanks in D.C. “AEI” sounds like a motivational speaker's consulting firm.

The Aspen Institute: also located in D.C. I think this has something to do with skying, what do you think?
Association on Third World Affairs: Isn't that what we have the U.N., IMF, World bank and the U.S. Taxpayer for?
Berkeley Roundtable on the International economy: I mean that just sounds good! Maybe we can all work there and talk about cheap Chinese labor and Japan's scrap steel imports.

Center for Defense Information: Isn't military information supposed to be hush hush. Nobody knows anything and all that? I think this think tank should have one of the those Cones of silence, from that old T.V. Show “Get Smart.”
The Consensus Council: Now i know i just got done making a few funnies on the above think tanks. I wish i would've done this one first. What good is a council, if everyone already agrees?

EastWest Institute: located in New York. I wonder how California, Alaska and Idaho feel about the location. They must be okay with New York as the home, because no one has complained yet.

Employee Benefit research Institute: Hey i am not making this up, I'm taking these think tank names right off a website directory. I'm guessing these people sit around and answer calls all day, if you want research done on your benefits. Somehow me thinks their intentions a less honorable. Would some of you call them with some benefit's questions and get back to me? Seriously, lets see these people man those phones.

Hoover Institution on War, Revolution and Peace: Now I'm not going to make fun of their name, these people must be really busy, considering all the wars, revolutions and peace going on. We should all pitch in a few bucks and get them a delivered lunch tray or something. Even if we get them a chicken Shack platter. These people are busy, busy busy!
International Food Policy Research Institute: Do you think we can call this think tank and ask them to help us with a lunch order for the war and peace group? Since they deal in food, they may know a Chicken Shack that is right around the corner.

Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies: You know I have to be honest here. I sent this group a proposal on the federal reserve almost two years ago. No response. I even wrote parts of it in real legal, technical economic jargon. I'm really beginning to think this think tank doesn't like me, or at least not my ideas. I'm alright, a little more comfort food and I'll be okay again.

Northeast-Midwest Institute: Located in D.C. Here we go again! Hey, if Ohio comes a knockin n complainin, don't say i didn't warn you.

Project for the New America: The name in and of itself is a lofty goal. Lets add these guys to our Chicken Shack lunch order.
United States Institute of peace: I assume they work with the State department and the war n peace guys as well.
Last but certainly least, World Policy Institute: So I get a feeling this is the think tank that calls all the other think tanks and says “ what ya doing?”

There are literally dozens more think tanks that will not get ink in this comedy column a la carte. To bad for them, I only can poke fun at so many at one time.

I would start my own think tank except for three obvious reasons, A, I don't have that kind of money, though I believe part of the think tank goal is to get lots of people to give you lots of cash. B, I would be to afraid I'd hang out my think tank shingle and no scholars, former politicians or business professionals would want to work for me, and that would make me sad. C, and this is by far the biggest reason why i will never have my own think tank, quite simply it looks like all the cool names have been taken.


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